Call It A Tie™

Call It A Tie™ Jokes and Humor

Paula Poundstone
Paula Poundstone



Easter Bunny

A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place. Candy too.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt so guilty and began to cry.

A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. she stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.

Miraculously the Easter Bunny came back to life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around and waved again. Then he hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again, until he was out of sight!

The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?"

The woman turned the can around so the man could read the label. It said:

"Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."





Daughter's Letter

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom & sees a letter over the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:

Dear Mom,

It is with great regret & sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion & he is so nice, with all his piercings & tattoos & his big motorcycle. But it's not only that mom, I'm pregnant & Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me & that's one of my dreams.

I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone & we'll be growing it for us & his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine & ecstasies we may want. In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now & I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit you so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your daughter,
Jamie

PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than the school's report card that's in my desk drawer...I love you!





True Doctor Stories



A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's --Dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.

--Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX



At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. Big breaths," I instructed. Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.

--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA



One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

--Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba , Canada



I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. Now your left." Again, a flawless read. Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

--Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA



During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one?" I asked. The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

--Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA



While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered. Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."

--Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR



I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, So, how's your breakfast this morning?" It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

--Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI



And Finally . . . .

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"

She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."

--won't admit his name











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