Call It A Tie™

Call It A Tie™ Jokes and Humor

Sarah Silverman
Sarah Silverman



New Virus

There is a new virus. The code name is WORK. If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, via email, or from anyone else, do not touch WORK under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private life completely. If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take 2 friends and go straight to the nearest pub. Order drinks, and after 3 rounds you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your brain.

Forward this virus warning immediately to at least 5 friends. Should you realize you do not have 5 friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your whole life. If this is the case, go to the pub and stay until you make at least 5 friends. Then retry.





HOW THE JEWS GOT THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

God went to the Germans and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."
And the Germans asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shalt not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."

So He went to the Italians and said, "I have Commandments."
And the Italians wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."

He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."
The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife."
"Not covet my neighbor's wife? We're not interested."

He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments?" they said, "how much are they?"
"They're free."
"We'll take 10."





I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA

Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up, and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday," he said. Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school, and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did. Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted Leroy to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Leroy, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then, write a letter to God, and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday." Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room, and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter 1:
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year, and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Leroy

Leroy knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter, and started over.

Letter 2:
Dear God,
This is your friend, Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you. Your friend,
Leroy

Leroy knew that this wasn't true, either. So, he tore up the letter, and started again.

Letter 3:
Dear God,
I have been an "OK" boy this year. I still would really like a red bike for my birthday.
Leroy

Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Leroy wrote another letter.

Letter 4:
God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday. Please!
Thank you,
Leroy

Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. By now, Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs, and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked, as Leroy looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," Leroy's mother told him. Leroy walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Leroy went into the church, and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Leroy bent down, and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt, and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room, and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Leroy began to write his letter to God.

Letter 5:
God,
I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO





Your Wife

Two guys are moving about in a Walmart when their carts collide.

One says to the other, "Excuse me, but I'm looking for my wife."

"What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate."

"Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?"

"She's tall, with dark hair, long legs, firm boobs, and a tight ass.

What's your wife look like?"

"Never mind, let's look for yours.





BLONDE JOKES

A blonde went to eletronic store and she asked, "How is much is this TV?"
The salesman said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes."

The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes."

The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry we don''t sell to blondes."

She replied, " I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?"
"Because that is not a TV, it''s a microwave."



What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?
Not everyone's been in a 747!



Why can't a blonde dial 911?
She can't find the eleven.



What kinds of people don't get invited to blonde parties?
Women!



One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help.

''It's supposed to be a tiger!'' Sally cried.

''Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!''



Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake.
One blonde yells to the other, "How do you get to the other side?"
"You are on the other side," the other blonde yells back.



Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left."
So they went home.



"Have you heard my knock-knock joke?", asked the blonde.
"No," said the brunette.

"Okay," said the blonde, "you start."



Why did the blonde take a ladder into the bar?
She heard the drinks were on the house.



How do you keep a blonde busy? (see below)
How do you keep a blonde busy? (see above)



A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"



A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''



Why do brunettes know so many blonde jokes?
Gives 'em something to do on Saturday night!



What do you call a blonde who has dyed her hair brown?
Artificial intelligence.



How did the blonde die raking leaves?
She fell out of the tree!



Q: What do a blonde and a car have in common?
A: They can both drive you crazy.



A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the brunette tells the blonde to look out for cops - especially cops with their lights on. After they've been driving for a while, the brunette asks the blonde if she's seen any cops.

"Yes," says the blonde.

"Are their lights on?"

The blonde has to think for a moment, then says, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No."



How can you tell when a blonde has been baking chocolate chip cookies?
There's M&M shells all over the floor.



A blonde walks down the street and sees a banana peel a hundred yards ahead, and she sighs.
"Here we go again."



Why did the mirror have 6 holes in it?
A blonde tried to shoot herself!



Q: What do Barbie and Britney Spears have in common?
A: Both are blonde, brainless and made out of plastic.



A brunette walks into a bar and says, "Gimme an M L."
The bartender says, "What's an M L?"

The brunette says, "A Miller Light."

Another brunette walks in and says, "Gimme a B L"

The bartender says, "What's a B L?"

She says, "Bud Light."

A dumb blonde walks in and says, "Gimme a 15."

The bartender says, "What's a fifteen?"

The blonde says, "7&7, duh!"



What's the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
Maybe someday we'll find Bigfoot.



There was a woman who wanted to repaint her house, so she called the contractor and set an appointment to meet with him. When the contractor came to her house they did a walk-through and he asked her what colors she would like. They came to the living room and she told him that she would like a nice, warm cream color. The contractor wrote something down on his pad, then walked to the window and yelled, ''Greenside up.'' The lady is a little confused, but doesn't say anything, and they continue to the dining room where she tells him, ''I would like a nice warm white in here, nothing stark.'' The contractor writes something down on his pad, then walks to the window and again yells, ''Greenside up!'' The lady is really confused now but still does not say anything. They continue to her bedroom and she says, ''I would like a nice, cool, relaxing blue in here.'' The contractor writes something on his pad and again walks to the window and yells, ''Greenside up.'' The woman is now totally perplexed and says to the contractor, ''Three times I have told you the color that I want, and you write something on your pad, then you walk to the window and yell greenside up. What is going on?'' The contractor replies, ''You see, I have four blondes laying sod across the street.''



One day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened.

The blonde said that her mother had passed away. The neighbor made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left.

The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again. She asked her why she was crying this time.

''I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!''



Three blondes were witnesses to a crime, so they went to the police station to identify the suspect. The police chief said he would show them a mug shot of someone for thirty seconds, then ask each one for a description. After showing the photo to the first blonde, he covered it, then asked her how she would recognize the suspect.

''Easy,'' she replied. ''He only has one eye.''

The chief was stunned. ''He only has one eye because it is a profile shot! Think about it!'' He repeated the procedure for the second blonde and again asked how she would recognize him.

''He only has one ear,'' was her answer.

''What is the matter with you people?!? It is a profile shot! You are seeing him from the side!'' He repeated the procedure for the third blonde, then said, ''How would you recognize the suspect? Now think before you give me a stupid answer.''

After viewing the photo, she thought for a minute, then said, ''He's wearing contact lenses.''

This took the chief by surprise. He looked real hard at the picture and couldn't tell if the suspect had contacts or not, so he went into the database and looked at the report. Sure enough, when the mug shot was taken, he was wearing contact lenses! He went back to her and asked, ''How could you tell he was wearing contact lenses? Nobody else here in this precinct saw that!''

''Well,'' she said, ''he can't wear regular glasses with only one eye and one ear, now, can he?''



A blonde, a brunette, and a man are driving in their pick-up truck. The brunette was sitting up front with the man and the blonde was in the back. While driving across a bridge the man lost control of the truck and drove over the side of the bridge. After the truck had sunk, the man and brunette fought their way out of the cab and surfaced. A couple of minutes later the blonde came out of the water, panting and breathless. ''Where have you been?'' asked the man.

''I can't believe you left me down there! I couldn't get the tailgate open!''



How do you give a blonde a brain transplant?
Blow in her ear.



A blonde decides to show her husband that despite what everyone says, blondes really are smart.

While her husband is at work, she decides that she is going to paint the living room in their house. So the next day as soon as he leaves, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home after work and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a parka and a mink. He asks her what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the room.

He says that he was impressed at the good job she had done, but what's with her wearing the two coats?

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, ''FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS!''



What are the blonde's first words after 4 years of college?
"Would you like fries with that?"



Q: What is every blonde's ambition?
A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.



Q: A blonde and a brunette jumped off a cliff. Who hit bottom first?
A: The brunette -- the blonde had to stop and ask for directions.



A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks, ''Where did you get that?''
The pig says, ''I won her in a raffle!''









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